Student Granny

She's back!

2009-09-17T23:23:00.001+01:00

Spooky

2009-04-29T21:10:00.011+01:00

Its come round to spending another day at college. Granny hates going and she doesn't enjoy being in the company of Blondie for longer than she has too.

Granny was again the first to arrive, anyone would think she was eager. Blondie's Bitch was the next to turn up and she had her baps out!

This was a tactical ploy to distract Blondie as much as she could. He always has an eye on her ample bosom. Things haven't gone too well for her just lately, so this was her next move.

It might just earn her some brownie points and help things along the way.

He was the last person to come strutting down the corridor. I suppose we should have realised something was going on because he had a blue shirt on - he never wears blue. Still got the dodgy stain though - no change there.

He greeted us all with this "smile" bloody hell, that was frightening in its self. Blondie don't smile unless he has wind.

We all trooped into the classroom and plonked ourselves down ready for a crap day. Perhaps Granny is being a bit too negative. But it is always a crap day in his company.

There was no mention of recent events and he dished out the days work. It was a past test paper for us to complete.

The thing that shocked Granny most was that he didn't give us any verbal as he was dishing the stuff out.

Its very unsettling you know when you are waiting for something and it doesn't happen.

Granny and Blondie's Bitch exchanged glances as both were very puzzled. There she was with her baps on display and he didn't even blink an eyelid. He didn't even notice them. Think someone must have slipped some bromide in his tea.

We all sat waiting for him to give us some grief before telling us to get on with the paper, but it didn't happen.

Blondie actually for once started to go through the paper from start to finish with us all in tow. He actually stopped to allow people to catch up if they had fallen behind. Summat was going on here - it was very unnerving.

The old bird thought perhaps that this was his twin brother just covering the days session for him. This was not our Blondie and it was frightening the old gal.

Even when Mr Angry had a bit of a do, Blondie gave us that smile again - very puzzling indeed?

Blondie gave us a 20 minute break because we had all "done so well" - bloody nora.

He returned after the break and trotted into the classroom - again with that "smile". Somethings definitely going on this was not normal.

Poor old Granny had a bugger of a time concentrating as she was busy staring at him to see if she could spot anything amiss.

The lesson came and went without a hitch and Granny got called angel by him and was called by her christian name instead of the full title he usually dishes out.

When the lesson was over he signalled to three colleagues (BB, BC and Mule) to stay behind. You won't know mule cos he doesn't normally attend this lesson.

Granny and team waited for BB to return. She came out saying that Blondie spoke about having a threesome. Granny told her that it twas them baps that did it. But it was just Blondie having one of his little jokes. He was slipping back into his old routine.

The team went to Zen to discuss the days events. We all came to the same conclusion that the old git had had a swift kick up the backside as his attitude was one we had never experienced.

Granny thinks words have been said as there have been so many grumblings about the Tango Whiskey Alpha Tango (Granny got that from a friend).

For once, today had been very uneventful, but Granny is pleased to say that she feels as though she has learned quite a bit, and dare she say, that she has enjoyed it.

Blondie showing human kindness is very alien to him and the old gal thinks someone has paid him a little visit in the night and given him a brain transplant. Hope to christ they don't come back for it!

It will be interesting to see if Blondie can keep it up (being nice is what Granny is talking about).

Just a little prick!

2009-04-22T21:33:00.025+01:00

Granny has been dreading today after walking out of her exam a few weeks back. She was certain Blondie was going to make an example of her in front of the class.

The old bird has had a few sleepless nights and has probably consumed to much of the devils blood to blot out the painful memories of that unfortunate day.

Its been a beautiful day today weather wise but the day was marred by knowing what lay in store for Granny.

The old biddy managed to get a great parking spot right next to the college - maybe it was a good omen of things to come (stop trying to kid yerself).

Granny got into the lift and went up to the 3rd floor. It was bloody mayhem up there. The corridor was packed with teenagers all talking at the same time, all sprawled out and making the place look untidy.

Granny thought what the hells going on, too much frivolity especially as the old gal was about to meet her maker.

She couldn't even sit down while she waited for Blondie, but had to prop herself up against the corridor wall for support until the old git turned up.

When Blondie walks up the corridor it is like a scene from the bible where Moses parted the water. In B's case - the students part to allow Percy Peacock (aka B) to glide through the throng, then the gap suddenly closes as quick as it opened. Oh how he loves it.

We all sat down and waited for the onslaught, especially Granny - she was ready for whatever he threw at her.

He started off saying that he had had a sleepless night worrying how he was going to tell some students that they had failed (that would be Granny then).

He said that he had divided the students into three groups.

Group 1 Straight pass no extra work - could go home.

Group 2 Almost a pass -some extra questions - need to sit on the back row to complete.

Group3 Fail - sit on front row and go through the test paper and will have to re-sit in May.

He hand-picked all the students that could go home and sent them on their merry way.

Blondie then proceeded to stand in front of students and tell them that they either had to go on the front row or the back. This was the moment Granny was dreading.

B came to Granny and looked at her and then said in a really loud voice - BACK ROW. Granny looked at him and said she didn't want to go on the back row because she had not completed the paper and wanted to have another shot at it.

Blondie again said "BACK ROW" don't be stupid, what do you want to take it again for - BACK ROW. So Granny picked up her belongings and sat on the back row with two other buddies.

The old gal looked at her exam paper to see where she had gone wrong and to look at the bits she hadn't completed. The old trout couldn't believe it "B" had actually written excellent on one of the bits he had marked.

Was Blondie inebriated at the time of marking the paper? Did he realise it was Granny's paper?

She will never know, but I suppose the old bat should be grateful that she didn't have to re-sit the exam - as long as she got the extra questions right then she would be on her way.

The three of us who had the little extra to do got going on the questions, while Blondie went through the test paper with the other students who were less fortunate than Granny.

Now Granny is not sure how Blondie digressed from going through the test paper onto the topic of condoms!

Clearly it was a subject he enjoyed talking about and went on to say that in his younger days, he would often buy a pack of three for the weekend. He then went onto say to the young lad sitting next to Granny, that he bet he would use a pack of three in one evening.

Now Granny was puzzled as she couldn't really see a connection between AAT and condoms, but after looking very hard into the matter, she came to this conclusion.

Condoms and Blondie have a great deal in common.

Condom - Inflates when blown up
Blondie - Inflates - when ego stroked

Condom - Well oiled
Blondie - Well oiled - after pub lunch

Condom - Made for ******
Blondie - Is a *****

Condom - Effective rate 90% against pregnancy - 10% pregnancy
Blondie - 90% fail rate and 10% pass

Granny is sure that there are lots of other similarities but they would be too rude to even mention.

It was soon time for the visit to Zen, this is the place where the "team" meet to chill before starting all over again for the late session.

Granny really loves it there and there are lots of weird and wonderful sights to experience while enjoying a latte and jacket tater.

Back at the ranch it was all systems go but was enjoyable and have lots of homework (as always) to do before next week.

Granny didn't have the opportunity to take Kinky home as he was on a promise, so the old bird went straight home.

She is somewhat disappointed though as she can't have a glass of her favourite tipple before beddie byes as she has to fast for 10 hours.

The old gal has got to for a battery of blood tests in the morning and it just wouldn't do to have the devils blood running through her veins.

Its well past the old gals bedtime so its time she was off and headed for the land of nod.

A prick of a different kind for Granny tomorrow!

On Vacation.

2009-04-15T23:29:00.005+01:00

If you are looking for Granny then you are going to be disappointed. The old bird is taking a well earned rest from the trials and tribulations of Blondie.

The owd geezer has done his best to try and put Granny into an early grave, but the old bird is re-charging her batteries as we speak. The old biddy will be on top form on her return in just under a weeks time.

The old git might have thought Granny was about to crumble and give in when she threw a wobbler, but no - the old gal is akin to Super Gran and the old woman has neat Shiraz pumping through her veins and ready to tackle the next onslaught.

There will be tears, blood, guts and gore - but they won't be Granny's.

Behind every damsel is a fire breathing dragon!

Checkmate!

2009-04-01T21:57:00.012+01:00

Game Set and Match to Blondie

Granny has had one hell of a day so this blog will probably be short, miserable and bloody depressing.

What started off as a lovely day got progressively worse by the hour. Granny picked her new car up from the garage (the one she has been waiting 3 months for) and was in high spirits ( and no not the alcohol type).

It was a good start to what was going to be a hard day ahead.

The 2nd part of the exam at college was waiting. As usual, Blondie wasn't around to oversee that the classroom was fit for purpose and it was left to Mr A to get it sorted and he made a great job of organising it.

Granny made some errors on the paper last week but could correct them this week to hopefully get the rest of the paper right.

But what did the old bird do - she faffed around and wasted 3 hours trying to get her net profit sorted and ended up not being able to complete the paper.

Towards the final section of the paper Granny had a little talk to herself and asked why the hell she was putting herself through this, she didn't really want to do it anyway, so she made an executive decision and decided to call a halt to it all.

The old gal gathered up her bits and bobs and shoved them into her trolley and signalled to Blondie that she needed a word in his ear.

Granny had to wait a little while before she could talk to the old git, but in Granny's eye it was worth waiting for as she would be finally rid of this crap and be able to start living a normal life again without having the extra worries.

Granny told Blondie not to bother marking her paper because she wouldn't be coming back and she had had enough and this would be the last time she would be at the college.

Blondie was quite surprised by Granny's little outburst and went on to say not to throw in the towel as the end was in sight.

He said he would mark the paper anyway and to come back after the Easter holidays and we could talk it through and take it from there. Granny nodded in agreement just to pacify him but she had already made her mind up.

Granny and Blondie's Bitch went to Zen to meet up with Kinky to tell him the bad news that Granny would be leaving "the team".

None of us were our chirpy selves, we have all had enough of Blondie's teaching methods and today just finally put the nail in the coffin lid.

Granny was in two minds whether to go home and not bother with the evening class, but decided to attend and at least show some courtesy to the other tutor and explain the situation.

Granny sat through the whole evening and didn't feel under any pressure because she knew she was going and the old gal found that she quite enjoyed the evening and finally managed to understand some of the lesson that she was doing. Sods law!

Once the lesson was finished Granny met with the tutor outside the classroom and explained the situation. She was absolutely lovely about it and did not want Granny to throw it all away after coming so far.

This lovely lady actually cared and has offered extra tuition to get Granny through. The old bird could not be churlish and refuse this help and has agreed to see it through.

Normally Granny is a fighter but feels as though she is up against a brick wall with Blondie (oh god perish the thought). He doesn't instill any positivity and only dishes out negative comments which have a very demoralising effect.

The college will be closing for two weeks due to Easter, but Granny will still be attending and getting the extra tuition that has been offered and hopefully, Granny can salvage something out all this mess.

See you in two weeks if Granny hasn't done one!

He's late!

2009-03-25T22:21:00.023Z

He's late, he's late for a very important date!

Granny has been preparing herself all weekend for today. It was a very important day as it was exam time.

All of us in the class have worked extremely hard to get to this point. Some have easily sailed through, while others (including Granny) have struggled and have had to go the extra mile to get results.

Blondie made arrangements for us to take the exam in another room, which was actually two rooms, but had dividers which opened up to make one large room. The normal classroom is very cramped and stinks of feet and things !!!

The "team" met at our rendezvous point and then made our way to the said classroom. Our fellow inmates were already assembled outside the classroom and raring to get on with the exam.

The classroom was locked so we had to congregate in the corridor outside, we waited patiently for the old git to arrive.

We waited and waited and waited.

Blondie was so pleased with himself last week when he blatantly shared with us that he busks this particular class. He was so proud of himself.

The knob-shank (as my late son-in-law would have said) couldn't even show us any courtesy and arrive on time for the exam. How the hell can any of us show any respect for someone that has so little regard for others?

Eventually he turned up and we filed into the classroom only to find that the partition walls had not be removed, so we had two classrooms instead of one.

Now Blondie might think he is Superman, but even he couldn't split himself up into two so that he could patrol both classrooms.

If the old git had anything about him, he should have turned up at the classroom at least fifteen minutes before the exam commenced to ensure that everything was in order.

But hey, this is a super human, cock strutting, please stroke my ego bloke - with his brains where his balls are, we are talking about.

It was mayhem. There wasn't enough desks for everyone. Blondie sent the "boys" into the classroom next door, while the "girls" (Granny ain't been called a girl for a long time) remained in the one where we had all filed into.

We are all paying nearly a thousand quid to be taught by someone who is so incompetent!

The git wanted to start the exam before the room was ready, saying he would stop the exam in midstream once the classroom had been made into one and would move some people into the adjoining room!!!

One of the "team" picked him up on this saying that it was not ideal. Granny was in agreement. For Christ's sake its hard enough taking the exam without all the added farting around from Blondie

A Knightess in shiny armour arrived, our other beloved tutor came galloping in on her trusted steed and took over the situation. She organised the dividers to be divided so that the two classrooms became one!

By this time a good twenty minutes had passed by, nerves were jangled, (Granny's were anyway).

The knob-shank went into his spiel about no-one being allowed to sniff, cough or if the old git had his way, breathe.

If you did any of the above, then you were out on your ear and there would be no exam. He's a pompous t**t. It was okay for him to cough and splutter whilst we were slogging away!

It was hard going for Granny and she found it difficult in parts. The old gal has made some errors but she will be able to correct them next week when the final part of the exam commences.

Its been a bloody hard day and its taken its toll on the old bird.

The visit to Zen wasn't enough to put a spring into Granny's step. The owd biddy was buggered and she just wanted to go home, but that wasn't possible as there was still another session to go.

The evening session was made up of a mixture of folks who had taken the exam the night before and those during today.

The night before folks were full of life, whilst the today's clan were on their knees. The knightess showed us some kindness and finished the evening class early.

Granny was relieved, and after dropping one of her boys off home she headed for Tescos to see if she could pick up a little Australian number.

Bottoms up - so to speak.

You hum it - I'll play it!

2009-03-18T22:20:00.020Z

As you know, Granny has spoken about being in a Brass Band and she has a very precious shiny instrument with lots of things that go in and out and up and down.

This shiny instrument had to go in for surgery this morning - nothing terminal, it just needed some new parts and a bit of lubrication to make it work like new.

Granny dropped off her little baby at the Brass Hospital and she gave it a tender hug and kiss before leaving it in the capable hands of the surgeon.

Knowing that her "baby" was undergoing such treatment, played (no pun intended) on Granny's mind and she was fraught with worry.

This impacted on Granny's performance and she felt unsettled all day wondering how much her little "baby" was going to cost her. After all, she had been bled dry by the greedy council bastards a couple of weeks beforehand.

Granny struggles to get by on her pension and has to make sure that every penny is well spent!

Sometimes, when you get up in the morning, you just know its going to be one of those days. You feel it in your watter!

Well - Granny felt it!

The first person Granny bumped into when she got to college was the owd geezer himself. He opened the classroom and let the old bird in so she could rest her weary bones.

Blondie said he was going to do Granny a favour but it would require one back in return! It was one of those you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours type of things! Christ!

Now Granny is long past selling her body so she couldn't think for the life of her what the old tosser wanted.

It turned out that he wanted Granny to bring a supply of tissues to next weeks exam for his students !!!!!!!!

Apparently, if anyone so much as sniffs in the exam then they are out on their ear (or should it be nose)?

Blondie made a startling confession today.

He fessed up to actually busking the Intermediate classes. Never - surely he is too much of a professional to do that - snigger snigger.

This declaration clarifies everything that Granny already knew. (He's a ******). Blondie admitted that he did not have to prepare for our classes as he could busk his way through them. Now we know why so many of us are struggling. I rest my case M'Lud!

Blondie went on to admit that the next years course "Technician" he can't busk - so that's alright then!

It doesn't seem to bother the old git that its costing students nearly a thousand squid to get through this term. As long as he is being paid a salary, then that's all that matters!

Granny was left speechless for once. There is no hope then, is there?

Granny and "Team" chilled out at Zen. Kinks wasn't at the class today as he had a prior engagement so met us later. The little chick was all loved up bless him.

Back again for the evening session, which Granny must admit went straight over her head, every grey hair of it. The old bird just does not have a clue whats going on.

The hosepipe and car are looming closer than Granny cares to wish for!

Repreive

2009-03-11T22:10:00.018Z

Its been a grand day today.

The sun was out, the sky was blue, and its raining, raining in my heart.

Aye - another college day has loomed before Granny's tired old eyes. It was a beautiful day though and the old bird felt that spring was just round the corner, it put a fair skip into Granny's step, well, perhaps a hobble if Granny was to be truthful.

The old bat trundled into college with her bag duly following behind. Granny has invested in a little trolley to put all her books in and other treasured possessions. It takes the strain off the old gals bones.

Now Granny doesn't like change, but when she managed to get up to the third floor, there was no-one in sight and it put the old biddy right off kilter. Normally the place is heaving with folk but the corridors were empty.

Granny thought she would just poke her nose through the classroom door to see if she could see any bags that belonged to her fellow inmates. Bugger - the classroom was already opened and folk were milling about. This was very unusual, it wasn't like "B" to let anyone stay in while he wasn't present.

Miss B-C was already in situ as was Motor Mouth and crew. Tables were askew and poor Mr Angry's seat had been taken by someone else.

The place had gone to pot and it took Granny and Mr A to put it back in order. Even Kinky and Blondie's Bitch were taken aback when they entered the classroom. You turn you back for 5 minutes and the place is a shambles.

Although it was lovely outside, there was a distinct chill in the air in the classroom. The peasants were revolting (not that type of revolting - well maybe) Granny could sense that there was going to be a Mutiny on the Bounty. Note to self - stop watching so many old films.

There was a definite unrest amongst the throng. This unrest was aimed at the imminent arrival of the exam next week. Many of the class, like Granny, feel that we are not ready to take the exam.

From what Granny can ascertain, there has been rumblings that people were going to pull out of the exam and re-sit at a later time, which is a damn shame after all the hard work people have put in. Granny admits, she too felt like the rest and was undecided whether to carry on or not.

This uncertainty was passed through the jungle drums to our other tutor and Granny thinks words have been said, although no-one will admit to this.

Granny saw something today (other than the dodgy stain on "B" trousers) that she thought she would never see. "B" did a U-Turn. I think he realised that more than half the class who are not his star pupils were at the point of rebellion and would not be sitting the exam next week which would severely cause egg on his face!

It has been decided by the powers that be, the exam now will be delayed by a week and will now commence on the 25th March instead of the 18th.

Yippee - at least another week to get the old gals head together and try and make sense of everything. Granny's nerves are shot and is having to self medicate big time!

It really is a stressful time and Granny is finding it very difficult, but the old gal has a contingency plan in place.

She has had a long and serious think about the situation and should she fail the big exam in June ,then she has to re-think her strategies.

Granny is investigating an alternate college that doesn't have Blondie look-alikes and hopefully have better teaching methods. Its a big gamble, but surely it can't be any worse than the way things are at the moment. Its a risk worth taking me thinks.

Granny feels that if she is giving up three years of her life (years she can well ill-afford) then she deserves the best teaching methods possible!

Cafe Zen was calling big time tonight and was a most welcome retreat. Prince Charming was flitting around and making the old bird go weak at the knees. If only he was a few years older - wonder if he has an older brother?

One of our "team" was missing tonight - she was on holiday in Prague and she was sorely missed.

The latter session was hard going again and Granny and BB struggled as is the norm.

In our defence though, we were mislead on one of the tasks we were doing and it totally confused both of us.

Poor old BB was taking it all to heart - bless her. Tensions are running high and time is running out.

Granny was glad when the evening came to a close. She had the pleasure of escorting two boys home in her car!

She had to drop one of her boys off outside the local Fire Station. The old bird had a quick gander to see if she could see any hunky Fire Men, but they must have been tucked up for the night. Think Kinky S had a quick gander too, so we were both disappointed.

Kinky S is a great mate and Granny would be proud to have him as her adopted son anytime.

When Granny gets home she will be sharing her evening with a little Australian red number.

Cheers!

Mr Negative!

2009-03-04T22:24:00.027Z

What an absolute crap day today has been.

Granny knew it was going to be a rough ride when the bloody council conned her out of eight squid to park the car for a days visit at the college. The thieving bastards!

After shelling out the said dosh, it cost the old bag a further £1.05 for a bottle of diet coke from the college shop. They should advertise that it is rob a Granny week!

The old gal made her way to the lift and met Blondie's Bitch and Miss B C 2009 queueing up for the lift that takes you on a mystery trip, but the old bugger wasn't working so we had to catch the one further up the corridor.

Granny is always on tenter-hooks wondering if the lift will get her to her destination.

Granny and "B"s Bitch settled down for a bit of a conflab before the classroom was opened. Normally we have a fair bit of time to ourselves, but today was going to be an exception.

God almighty, Motor Mouth was the first on the scene, her great big gob flapping like a tent flap in the wind. Granny half expected the Elf and Safety Brigade to appear to measure the noise levels. They were certainly not at a safe capacity! No wonder old Granny is Mutton Jeff!

Binty was the next to arrive, she has had her bunions done so she was hobbling a bit, but she seemed to be getting around okay.

In a blink of an eye the corridor was full of AAT Students. Why were they so early? Why was there so many? Why were they so noisy? So many whys, Granny demands answers. Answers on a post card please - care of Blondie's Bolt Hole, Woodville.

We all settled ourselves down in the class room. Blondie was full of his usual innuendos and crap that he always is.

Normally he has some dodgy looking stain on his trousers, but this time it was further up. His waistcoat had a big white stain just above the top button. What the hell has he been doing.?

Granny asked him if he had spilt his dinner up the front, but his hearing was selective and he didn't answer.

Before we got down to today's schedule (don't make Granny laugh, B never has a schedule, he plays it by ear) Blondie had a special announcement to make.

Apparently, we have been put on a list of those who are going to pass, and those who are going to fail.

The old git was so full of negativity, that's just what we wanted to hear before the onset of our next exam in a couple of weeks. It really spurred us on - not!

The bastard really knows how to go for the jugular (I bet he only has a little winkie and is trying to make up for it in other ways - the tart).

It put a right damper on things for the whole day. If any of us fail, its not because we haven't tried but because of the lack of his teaching methods - they are none existent.

He is always banging on about his brightest students and how they will walk the exam. He never acknowledges or gives the respect or time to those that really have to work twice as hard to keep up with the impossible pace that he works too.

Granny has never met anyone that is so lacking in people skills and who is so uncaring.

The old gal has a problem with her hearing and has been very reluctant to let many people know of this situation as it is embarrassing. The old biddy mentioned this to "B" at the start of the term and he "allowed" (how kind) Granny to sit near the front of the classroom so she could hear what was going on.

Granny struggles to hear when there are lots of people talking at once and tends to lip read quite a lot.

Today there was a situation that arose and Granny had to remind Blondie that she was partially deaf - his response was PARDON! He thought it was very amusing. Granny didn't!

Granny is going to have him big time when all of this is over!

Our little group have a new sanctuary (Zen Cafe) and it was such a welcoming place after today's onslaught.

The proprietor is such a lovely man. If he was just a few years older Granny would have him! (If Kinky doesn't get him first). He is Mr Charming and makes you feel very welcome.

We have music to boogie in our seats too and they do the most fantastic coffee!

The atmosphere is brill and you really feel chilled and the coffee is great too. The food is plentiful and really cheap and the coffee is out of this world

Have I mentioned what fantastic coffee they do - no - well they do a lovely latte, you should try it.

The evening session was a bit hard going, but Granny has made plenty of notes and guess what the old bird will be doing this weekend?

At the moment Granny is feeling very overwhelmed by it all and is really fretting over the exam which is looming.

Granny would gladly sit on the casting couch if it ensured that she got a pass!

Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll

2009-02-04T22:00:00.025Z

Granny knew it was going to be a funny sort of day as she sat waiting in her car ready to go into college.

The old gal was memorised by all the pigeons sitting on a empty building, then suddenly they all leaped off en-mass and flew in great big sweeping circles several times.

It was like a scene from old Alfie H's The Birds. They looked so sweet and innocent, then without warning, the little buggers dive bombed in front of anyone that was walking in front of the cenotaph.

Granny would be most grateful if someone could tell her why? (Kinky, you are a mind of useful information - whats the gen on this)?

Granny made her way into the college and was a bit early so she had to sit outside the classroom waiting for the 70's throwback to arrive.

Out of the corner of Granny's eye she could see a familiar sight making its way up the flight of stairs. The sight of Blondie puzzled Granny for a while because something was different. At first the old gal wasn't sure, he still had the same old strut and cocky walk as ever.

What could it be?

It was his golden locks - they were loose and flowing onto his shoulders, the little black ribbon was gone and his matted mane was in its full glory. But there was something else, it wasn't blond!

Granny can't be certain, but it looks as though he has put one of them rinses on it because now he is a ginger "knob" in every sense of the word!

I think the hair dye had nobbled Blondie cum Ginger Knobs brain as he didn't know his arse from his elbow today. His teaching methods (or should I say lack of them) were the worst that Granny has experienced.

He was flitting about from one subject to another like he had ants in his britches, talking of britches, he still had the dodgy stain on the front of his trousers! The jury is still out on that one!

Blondie's bitch wasn't on the scene today so not sure if that had some effect on "B" as he definitely wasn't on form.

Today, "B" lost one of his most ardent fan club members. This particular lady, Miss B C (aka Florence Nightingale - that's another story) has been struggling somewhat with the old farts methods and today this culminated into a very unpleasant spectacle.

She asked the old porn star to slow down a bit as she wasn't quite grasping the situation, but the old geezer turned on her and uttered several disparaging remarks in front of the whole class (this was not called for). We are all struggling, but she had been brave enough to voice her concerns, but ended up being pistol whipped for it.

The poor old soul burst into tears and left the classroom. The old bugger never even batted an eyelid but then went on to say to Florence's neighbour (gob on a stick) that it wasn't fair that she had to sit next to her. He's a two faced old ........ He is the most uncaring creature Granny has laid eyes on for sometime.

Its not nice seeing someone distressed like that and Florrie had really taken it to heart. I know she is struggling and Granny accepts that "B" does have a time-table to adhere to (an ill prepared one at that) but there are ways of talking to people and dealing with difficult situations. Blondie is definitely lacking in people skills.

Blondie has the distasteful habit of coming out with inappropriate comments. While we were concentrating on the work that he had set us, he suddenly spouted out to a couple of lads in the group, that he would like them to be at one of his gigs. He said that they would have the opportunity for sex and drugs, (I suppose the rock and roll would be "B"!) God forbid!

How the hell this bloke ever got to the position he is in today teaching young impressionable students is beyond Granny's comprehension! Thank god for sanctuary time, it was a most welcomed event and one Granny greeted with open arms.

After filling Granny's belly with kinky sausage, chips and peas, the old gal was ready to tackle the evening session.

Although Granny isn't keen on the whole AAT thing, she likes the evening session with a different tutor.

This particular person is so professional and well prepared and you leave the room at the end of the evening, actually believing that you have learnt and achieved something.

Blondie - take note!

Bad Moon Rising!

2009-01-14T22:03:00.015Z

It was a day of panic for our Blondie. Last week he told us that he was going to be observed during today's lesson.

We had already been instructed that we had to turn up on time, ensure all our homework had been completed and generally show Blondie was not really the ****** that he portrays to us every week. This was going to be a difficult task.

Blondie's Bitch was there early with her low cut top. Blondie likes this as its pleasing to his eye and to be quite honest it does distract him a bit. This enables Granny to play for time if she is struggling on a particular question. Granny just has to make Blondie's Bitch laugh and this in turn, makes her bazoomas wobble and Blondie has succumbed!

We filed into the classroom and "B" was in a panic trying to get everything organised. Every time the classroom door opened Blondie nearly wet his pants thinking it was the "observer".

The lesson got underway and Blondie calmed down somewhat as it looked as though he was not going to be "watched" in our lesson and it would now be his evening lesson. Hurray for us because we don't have the old tosser now at the night class. Yay!

Now Granny once mentioned about the Grand Canyon and OMG it was like the repeats that are shown on telly over Christmas. First time round is probably just about manageable, but second time round you desperately lose the will to live.

Miss BC 2008 give us the most shocking replay of her winning assets (assets are not the right word to describe what Granny is talking about, but she doesn't know what the opposite is).

One minute the classroom is bathed in light and the next was just like an eclipse with knobs on. Even our old porn star was shocked and all he could mutter was that he had been looking for somewhere to park his bike. And right there in front of him was his answer. Bejesus, you have seen nowt like it.

An uneasy atmosphere settled amongst the class and the rest of the lesson just seemed to pass in a blurr.

Both gob on sticks had their fair share of air time and Granny was glad when the lesson came to a halt. The old gal needed her battery charging fast.

Arnie was waiting for us with the big "Arnie smile". Granny really looks forward to this particular time of day as she is amongst good friends and she adores them all.

The evening lesson again was a joy as it is with the best (in Granny's eyes) tutor in the college. She is so lovely and has time and patience for everyone. Blondie really needs to take a leaf out of her book and see how its done.

Its hard going and Granny is not afraid to admit that she is struggling at times, but she is determined to see it through and hopefully all the hard work and determination will pay off.

If it doesn't, then get a length of hosepipe at the ready!

"Just give me an hour".

2009-01-07T21:39:00.022Z

Granny can't believe how quick the Christmas holidays have flown by and its back to college again. The thought of Blondie beckoning is enough to put you off your breakfast for life.

Its been great these last few weeks not having to go to college and most of all, not having any homework to do.

Today felt like you were going to the dentist and you know you are going to have a filling.

There is going to be pain, lots of it, numbness, a big horrible sucker making advances towards you, then finally having to spit out bits of shrapnel into a giant bowl. This describes Blondie's lesson perfectly.

Now Mr "B" told us last year that the class would be downsizing after Christmas. He is a bloody liar. The room was still as full, still as stuffy and still stinks of sweaty trainers.

The Blondie fan club was in full glory hanging on to every word. There was so much eye-lash fluttering, Granny thought the window was open or someone was turbo charged!

Granny thinks Mr Angry wasn't in a good frame of mind today. We never had our "Hi Team" greeting, that's a bad omen. Granny now always carries protection because you never know when you are going to need it!.

The lesson went totally over Granny's head, it was about partnerships and appropriation. Christ knows what the hell Blondie was talking about.

He taught us in his usual cack-handed fashion, which in turn leaves everyone in a state of Zombiness. His favourite phrase came into play "Just give me an hour" !!!!

Blondie and few others went out for a break which just left a few people in the classroom. We already know we have one gob on stick, but now we have another fighting for first place.

She is like a great big ruddy fog horn and at the top of her voice she screeched how she was breastfeeding her babies and how men are turned on by breastfeeding women. These "babies" are 4 and 7! TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

The highlight of our day was when Mr Pink Hat Man came to the rescue.

While Mr "B" was out of the room having one of is usual "breaks". Pinkie fired up Youtube on the smart board and kicked into action Fred Zeppelin. Granny has not laughed so much for a long time.

Blondie looked even more of a K.S. then ever as he was frolicking about on the big screen.

After the days exciting events it was time to go and visit the sanctuary. It wasn't the same this evening as Blondie's Bitch was missing and she missed the wonderful events that took place during the day.

Back at the ranch it was time for our 2nd lesson. This was a complete joy as it was our evening tutor from last year and she is absolutely fantastic.

Nothing is too much trouble for her and her teaching material is well prepared beforehand. Any problems and she is there to offer a helping hand.

The evening was great but Mr Angry had a bit of turn towards the end, which I suppose was justified in a way. He was upset that we are having to learn "stuff" that we will never use in the "real world", but this "stuff" is on the exam paper so its relevant and important that we are taught it.

It was a long tiring day and Granny was knackered by the end of it. She just can't wait for next week.

Turbo charged!

2008-12-10T17:15:00.022Z

The day that Granny had been dreading had finally arrived.

Today was the first of our exams and Granny was not feeling over confident about sitting it.

For most of the past week she had been trying to think of an excuse for not taking the exam, but short of snuffing it, she couldn't think of anything that Blondie would believe.

Granny is too old for this kind of claptrap, she should be enjoying the twilight of her years knitting bed socks and the like, not gallivanting around school corridors with kids.

But as one of my previous blogs stated, me old boss who is now retired, thought that old Granny would benefit from doing this three year course.

Its alright for him, he's sitting at home with his slippers and pipe, but poor old Granny's life is being shortened by the minute by these nail biting events.

Granny has been doing extra revision in preparation for today's onslaught. She has lived and breathed VAT 100, index linked, ratios and moving averages for the last few weeks.

The old bird should be out there enjoying herself and embracing what's left of her life. She shouldn't be spending nights alone with boring old text books and having to succumb to Blondie's whims!

Last night Granny thought she needed a bit of brain fodder. She thought she should eat something that would give her energy and brain power. The only thing she had in her cupboard was a tin of Branston Baked Beans and Sausages.

Beans are supposed to be good for you, so Granny indulged in this delicacy at around 23:45. This would give the beans chance to do their magic (after all, it worked in Jack and the Beanstalk) and set Granny on the right road for the exam.

Bloody hell!

You have heard and seen nowt like it. Granny woke up to a peculiar green mist and needed to take oxygen before even managing to crawl out of bed. A few puffs on her inhaler did the trick.

Granny's rockets were charged, and by god she could have got to the college under her own steam so to speak.

All Granny needed was a bit of turbo power to set her in the right frame of mind and the old gal was raring to go - rockets on full thrust.

Granny met up with Mr "A", Kinky Sausage, Mini Driver and Blondie's Bitch. We exchanged a bit of chit-chat and we could all tell that each other were bricking it.

Blondie appeared out of the wood work and and went into the classroom, we were not allowed to follow him, he was "preparing himself" (just don't even go there).

There were only a handful of us actually sitting the exam this afternoon as the others had either done it last night, this morning or later this evening.

Blondie's fan club were nowhere to be seen. The Irish Bint and Miss Bum Crack 2008 had already taken the exam so it was really peaceful apart from one little interruption. A fellow student had a bad cough amongst other things and he made her sit outside in the corridor and take the exam! - Note to self - keep yer rockets under control Granny.

The exam was just like Christmas - weeks of preparation and its over in a blink of an eye. Three hours seemed liked three minutes. Was it really worth all the worry and sleepless nights?

Roll on next Wednesday when we get our results. Granny can see an awful lot of bottles of Shiraz being consumed before next week.

There is one bright side to all of this - Granny gets to drink loads of the red stuff as she has a genuine excuse to do so.

Cheers!

Builders Botties - Not!

2008-12-03T21:40:00.014Z

Now if this is what Granny had to look at all afternoon she would be happy, but no, the old gal has never been that lucky in life.

She was subjected to the most horrific sight you could ever imagine. Right in front of old Granny was the biggest crevice you had ever seen in your life. How the hell the old gal was supposed to concentrate with the Grand Canyon looming before her very eyes, god alone knows.

It was very off putting and Granny was frightened of being swallowed up in the dark depths of one of Blondie's fan club members, bum.

She had to balance her pencil case on a stack of books to block out this scary orifice that was staring her in the face.

Granny felt quite queasy all afternoon and couldn't give Blondie the full attention that he commands.

Talking of Blondie - he is still the same old "knob shank" as my late son-in-law would have described him. He would have had Blondie's measure right from the word go - god rest his soul.

Its been quite an uneventful day really apart from the builders bum incident. Tensions are running high as the exam is next week and I would say that at least half of the class are not ready to take it, including Granny.

Blondie's teaching methods are really something to be desired. How the hell he manages to get paid the dosh he does for teaching a load of bollocks is beyond me. I am not saying that the AAT course is bollocks - its just the bloke teaching it.

He never gives you a chance. He will prattle on about stuff that isn't relevant, mainly about his ex-girlfriends. We have had the one who was going to make him a dad but she lost the baby and he was glad. Then there was another who was a thief stealing stuff from the shop where she worked.

Now I know Granny is a bit long in the tooth, but even she knows that this has nothing to do with AAT. She is still trying to make the connection as she is typing her blog at this very moment.

Blondie should go back to being the porn star, maybe he was better at it than teaching. Me thinks not - you can just imagine, in between his thrusts, he would chirp up "did I tell you about the girlfriend who ........."

Stud Muffin

2008-11-26T21:30:00.020Z

Granny was feeling a bit under the weather this morning when she got up to go to college today.

She has been of late, over-indulging in beverages of an alcoholic nature and its played havoc with the old gal and brought her bunions up summat rotten.

She has had a tiring weekend mostly blowing her horn and it has really taken its toll on the old bird.

Going to college without all your faculties intact is not the best of ideas, but hey, Granny never has been the full shilling so some people would say anyway.

Blondie arrived early today which caught Granny unawares as he usually likes to strut his stuff down the corridor with his feathers all ablaze then has a quick preen before entering the classroom. But not today though.

He made a beeline for his bitch and asked her to rub his belly for him because he had eaten too much at the Lord Burton. Granny rolled her eyes in dismay coz it made her feel sick.

I swear that the classroom gets smaller each week or the tables have shrunk. Its like an obstacle course trying to get into your seat and you are lucky if you don't go arse over tit while doing the manoeuvres.

Poor old kinky sausage had Mr A's bags up his backside whilst sitting at his desk and Blondies bitch belts Granny in the back of the neck with her bosoomas every time she has to get by. I could put a compo claim in for assault from a pair of maracas.

Blondie as usual, likes the sound of his own voice and tends to digress from the subject matter and ends up waffling over something and nothing that has bugger all to do with AAT.

Blondie confirmed Grannies suspicions (if you had read her previous blogs) that he was a porn star from the 70's era. I knew it - I thought I had seen him in some old dodgy home movie. He went on to say that he had appeared in something with his rock band - entitled "LARGE".

We had a stud muffin in our presence - yuk I think not. "Large" I think he ain't.

The Blondie fan club were like something from "When Harry met Sally". There is one particular fan club member who would lay her life down for "B" her eyes glazed over and she looked all over come! I was in two minds whether to call out the paramedics.

Again, we were working on stuff that wasn't relevant to the up and coming exam. We were working on something that we don't have an exam in until April. This has left us with two weeks to concentrate on the relevant subject matter for the exam in December.

Granny is constantly banging her head against a brick wall trying to grasp the situation. She feels she is missing something here, but not quite sure what.

Our little group had the visit to the "Sanctuary" giving Arnie one last chance to behave. He was very subdued tonight and quite reserved. Perhaps he felt that he had over stepped the mark last week or had read Granny's blog calling him a cruentus appareo!

The latter session was full of the usual mystique. There were quite a few of the class missing this evening. The butch female version of Mr A was absent as was her side-kick.

Mr Nasal Passage was a right pain in the neck. All you could hear all night long was his fog horn of a voice permeating the atmosphere. He even dared to upstage Granny when she was doing her "good girl angel routine" how dare he, how very bloody dare he.

Not sure what we have been taught tonight as I think it could have been done in an email to us as it wasn't very informative. We have all been supplied with a copy of a previous test paper to complete at home for homework.

This aged tutor, cum rock porn star is being paid a load of dosh for teaching us nowt.

Amplitudo ero laetus ut is tractus est super

2008-11-19T22:25:00.011Z

This college course is playing havoc with Granny's sleeping time. She has to get up early and head off into town to nab a good parking spot that isn't too far away from the college.

Granny cant do much trundling around just yet as her new knee has to bed in a little.

Granny thought she would do a little retail therapy before class and had a meander around the shops looking for an outfit that would be suitable for a 60's/70's night that she is attending in December.

Now you would have thought that the old bat would have had this type of clothing in her wardrobe already, but this granny likes to think she is trendy for her age and ditched the old biddy clothing long ago.

After having a successful shopping spree, Granny headed off for the college scene, with her bloody great big heavy bag slung over her shoulder.

There should be some law about carrying bags that make one of your shoulders droop to your knees. I know your body defies gravity with age, its bad enough having boobs dangling out from underneath your skirt without adding other body parts.

Granny made her way to the the 3rd floor to queue up ready for the classroom to be opened by our Blondie. We all wait in anticipation for this big event. Our team leader aka Mr Angry was in high spirits and gave us the Mr "A" greeting - "hi team".

You can tell what sort of day its going to be by just looking at the students that roll in one by one. We had a chewer in our midst today. He had a gob full of chewing gum and you could hear him slurping on it from about six miles up the road (perhaps exaggerating a bit - but you get my drift).

One of "the team" could have easily done him in by the end of the lesson it got that irritating along with gob on a stick who likes to poke her nose into every ones business. A right miss no-it-all. Don't you just hate people who know everything and get everything right.

Blondie made his way down the corridor - keys at the ready to open the classroom door, when he whispered into his bitches ear that he was pissed. Now granny wasn't sure what he meant by this as she is not used to that sort of language as you can tell from her blog - she is very wholesome.

Blondie has a tendency to say a lot of things tongue in cheek, but sometimes I think he may be speaking the truth in certain areas. Granny has yet to fathom that out. But make no mistake, Sherlock Granny is on the case.

Blondie kicked off the lesson by asking us if we were taught Latin at school. Now I am not sure where this fits into AAT, but Blondie seems to think it has some relevance.

It reminded me so much of one of our other tutors lessons last year, we had to investigate a stabbing. Not quite sure where this fits into the accounting scene, but hey, Granny is a novice, what does she know.

As it turned out, nobody had been taught Latin, not even Blondie, so I am not sure why it was even mentioned in the first place! Blondie sermo a sarcina of ........!

The "teams" sanctuary was calling so we made our way swift on foot. Now me mate with the kinky sausage was in for a nasty surprise. Arnie was waiting for him and pounced on him from behind.

Shock, horror - me poor mate was jabbed, poked, stabbed or whatever you would like to call it, with a knife in the back of his leg. Poor lad was traumatised all night, much to the point that we may need to look at finding a new sanctuary. Not sure where Arnie is coming from, but its not funny anymore - I think he has a screw loose! Cruentus appareo!

Amplitudo est a madide ulterius quod has had unus quoque plures dum stilus is blog.

Bonus nox noctis quod deus beatus.

Battered, Bruised and Bewildered.

2008-11-12T22:22:00.019Z

Yes folks its that time again - another wonderful day spent at Burton College in the company of our beloved tutor (yuk wheres me sick bag).

Granny got to the college nice and early so she could nab a good parking spot. By getting there at a reasonable time it gave the old gal time to finish off her homework and hopefully earn a few brownie points.

No, she aint becoming a member of the Blondie fan club (not in this life anyway) but just trying to keep the old git off her back.

Mr Angry, who is more composed these days, had a bit of chit-chat with granny. We discussed Blondie's teaching methods or should I say - lack of them. Mr A is quite calm these days probably due to medication!

Blondie's bitch was in fine fettle and had been able to secrete her bags in the classroom before it had been locked until the next lesson started (we have to queue up outside till "B" struts his stuff down the corridor and unlocks the classroom door). I suppose being his bitch does have its perks.

Everyone is shoe-horned into their seats and once you are in that's it, there is no escape. If you didn't know the person sitting next to you intimately at the start of the lesson, then you will do by the end. There is no personal space in this environment.

The first lesson addressed extended trial balances, we have been doing these for the last few weeks. Blondie mentioned that the exam for this wasn't until March! We were all under the impression that it was going to be December. Blondie had failed to tell us this, then he went on to say that we wouldn't be doing anymore work on this until nearer the time. (Shouldn't we be concentrating on the stuff we need to know for the exam that is looming - is granny missing something here? d'oh!)

The "B" fan club were in full glory this afternoon and when sitting behind them you could see little hearts floating out of the tops of their heads. Yes Blondie, no Blondie, any thing you say Blondie, let me kiss yer feet.

Granny wasn't happy today, she likes a good laugh and joke as the next woman, but with "B" he over steps the mark at times.

Today was one of those times. He seemed to think it rather funny to poke fun at a particular type of disability which was more prevalent in our era (Mr A's, B's and Granny's time).

I was not amused. Blondie would certainly benefit from a crash course in diversity training and I told him so, in no uncertain terms.

Later on during the afternoon, Blondie referred back to my reference about discrimination and he said that I had made him feel bad about what he had said - quite right too.

Chippy time - Our little group trotted off to Tommy's for tea. As I have mentioned previously, this is the highlight of our day. We have our own little table and treat it as our little sanctuary after a stressful day.

Now looking at Tommy ( I don't think thats his real name, he looks more like an Arnie to me) you wouldn't think that he could duff someone up - but you would be wrong.

Another of me bezzie mates was on the receiving end of a wallop. This poor chick had done nowt wrong but order sausage, chips and beans.

Next minute Arnie delivered a blow that would knock yer bollocks off. Maybe its some form of greeting, we are still not sure.

Me mate was in shock. Arnie was smiling - which was frightening in its self and then he sent a round of bread for us all to have with our tea. Then to add insult to injury, me mates sausage had a bit of a kink in it and was subject to ridicule - poor lad, he's never going to be the same again, bless him.

The evening session entailed completing a past test paper which is the actual type of exam we can expect in December - and not the extended trial balances as first thought.

"Shite"

Star Studded Cast

2008-11-05T21:47:00.016Z

It was back to college after having a lovely week off due to half term. It was horrible getting up this morning knowing that I would have to spend the day in our Blondie's company.

I am really trying to like him - honest, I am, but its not working. I think it is a love hate relationship. He loves himself and I, well, I think you know the answer to that one.

Our aged rock cum porn star never ceases to amaze me. He was in full porn mode today and made a number of references to the dodgy side of life. Even me bezzie mate has become his bitch. God what is the world coming to. Slap me bitch up!

Anyway, where was I, we are digressing a little.

Today was full of the usual promises. Gob on stick wore some bloody iffy looking hat which reminded me of Andy Capp (is he still going in the Daily Mirror or has he snuffed it).

The usual Blondie fan club was a bit thin on the ground which must have been quite disconcerting for "B". The front row doey eyed folk were nowhere to be seen, probably having some sort of Blondie firework "do" in his honour - after all, it is November 5th. Light a rocket for me and shove it where the sun don't shine.

I just can't get to grips with his teaching methods (what teaching methods), I thought old Geoff was crap but give me lovely old Geoff any day. At least you could take the "p" with him.

This evening we had a visit from the Simpsons and Julie Roberts. They have got their knickers in a twist with their VAT return and needed our help in sorting out their affairs.

Well - it comes to something when one of the students has to show "B" how its done. By the time we had finished, me head was mush. Figures were being thrown around, here, there and everywhere. Blondie - by his own admission, was struggling with this particular area.

We have found his achilles heel - yay !

Its been an irritating night for granny, Mr Nasal Passage has voiced his opinions and questioned the answers "B" has given - he does this every Wednesday - for christs sake - just accept that the answers are right - Blondie has them written down and has used them for years - you aint gonna change it!

Some biddy had a phone going off at regular intervals with the theme tune Dr Who. I can't take much more - its me age - the old birds had it.

Am I ever going to make it - God - I have another year of this - can I take it - NO!

Somebody, please, help Granny!

All Quiet on the Western Front

2008-10-22T21:53:00.020+01:00

Granny didn't know what to expect after last weeks shenanigans but it was all quiet on the horizon.

Mr Angry had his happy head on and he gave me a crafty smile when he walked up the corridor to the classroom.

Blondie arrived in all his full glory strutting around like a peacock with his feathers fully "erect". Ooh er missus.

There is one thing I can say about the intermediate year, you just don't know what to expect - always expect the unexpected and you won't be disappointed - that's granny's motto.

The classroom was hot and stuffy as usual, with the scent of o'dor trainer lingering in the air. It was hard going working in that atmosphere.

Gob on a stick was present and somewhat incapacitated or should that be decapitated. She never shuts up and yes - she is a fully paid up member of the blondie fan club too.

Its hard going this time round and concentration levels have to be at their peak. If you take your eye of the "ball"so to speak, then that's it, you've had it. Talking of balls .......

There are so many little irritations and some bloody great big ones too, I just don't know how I am going to keep it all together.

Last year it was all the kids that got Granny's goat, but this year it goes way beyond that. To be fair, the kids in the class are a decent bunch and very respectful and I have this urge to mother them.

Blondie doesn't seem to grasp the fact that there are several different age categories within the class. I am not sure I like being called "good girl angel" after I have read out a paragraph aloud, as I am almost certain that the chaps are not happy with "good boy". For Christs sake, I am an old bag with three kids and two grandchildren.

The bit I like best about college is when we go to the chippie in between lessons. This is my favourite time and one which gets me through the whole process. Without it, life would be unbearable.

I feel very blessed that I have made acquaintance with some very lovely friends. This little select group of friends are fantastic. They are very supportive and I enjoy their company very much.

We bombard Tommy's Fish Bar every Wednesday afternoon, its the highlight of our day and one I look forward to immensely.

These special people are like a little family to me and make me laugh so much. If it wasn't for them, I don't think I would have continued with the course this year.

The pressures are really hard this time round, and having these wonderful friends around make it so much easier.

I won't mention them by name, but they know who they are. One of them has a bear that wobbles when she laughs, and another, he likes big shiny sausages.

One loves her mini and last but not least, likes to bring his tea with him and looks as though he doesn't have a care in the world. These are splendid people indeed.

I have witnessed another side of Blondie tonight, one I didn't expect. We were just half way through completing a practice exam paper when low and behold the smart board suddenly burst into life displaying the ageing rock cum porn star.

Youtube hosts various video's of our blondie strutting his stuff. OMG!

There was no sound, but seeing blondie shaking his head back to and fro didn't leave much to the imagination. Granny has never seen anything like it in her life.

As soon as I got home I logged onto Youtube to get the full version

Don't give up the day job Blondie!

Mr Angry Goes Bananas

2008-10-15T22:11:00.016+01:00

Well - Granny hasn't written for some time, because there hasn't been really much too write home about until today

Okay, the college scene was a big shock even 2nd time round. Blondie is constantly on my case and now has reverted to calling me STS after I tackled him about using my full title in front of the class. Everyone else is called by their christian names - but not granny - no, it had to be the full works.

Blondie is a throw back from the 70's which is a shame as I don't suppose he can help it. He puts me in mind of an aging rock or possibly porn star (the type from the home movies kind) not that granny has been acquainted with any I am sorry to say. There is life in the old gal yet.

The class is made up of weird, wonderful and not so wonderful people.

We have Blondie, who I have already spoken about. Gob on a stick is next in line, she was absent today. Then we have the growler, who constantly makes throaty noises while you are trying to concentrate.

Following close behind is the Blondie fan club. They worship the very ground that he walks upon. They sit there all do-ey eyed and worship every blond hair on his head. Aaahh.

The most exciting of all is the Mr and Mrs Angrys' of this world. There are a few dotted around the classroom. They seem to creep out of the woodwork at the most in-opportune time. They frighten Granny.

Today was one of those days that made Granny sit up and quiver in her little ole wrinkly stockings.

The lesson started off as a quite un-assuming lesson, learning about extended trial balances. Then out of nowhere the fireworks started (it wasn't even the 5th November). Someone had rattled Mr Angry's cage - and that someone was "Blondie".

We have to order books in to do the course and in this case some of Mr A's hadn't arrived, this tipped him over the edge. Out rolled the heavy artillery and we all donned hard hats and camouflage.

It was like a war zone, I half expected that reporter bloke off the telly in the white suit to pop up in the middle and do a TV report. Mr A just lost it and tore old Blondie to shreds.

Mr A wasn't happy about the classroom - which I did mention in my previous blog. It is crap, but Mr A pointed this out to us all with his angry head on. You can't see the whiteboard - or smart- board as it is called (can't see whats smart about it as it is on the side of the wall and we are all facing forwards).

You need binoculars to see what is written on it if you are sitting at the back. This and a combination of other things just sent Mr A bananas.

I can't believe I am saying this - but I did feel sorry for Blondie for a moment until I gathered my senses together and thought better of it. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander sprang to mind.

I can see where Mr A was coming from, but going crazy in the middle of a class is not the best way to resolve issues. In fact it was quite embarrassing.

Anyway to cut a long story short - we all legged it and went to the chippy.

C'est la vie.

Granny's done it again.

2008-09-11T13:00:00.011+01:00

I must be bonkers as I have yet again enrolled for another year of hell courtesy of Burton College.

You would have thought that I had learnt my lesson (no pun intended) the first time, but no, glutton for punishment, there is life in the old bag yet.

On managing to pass my first year Foundation in AAT, I was quite spurred on to invest in another year of torture.

Since embarking on this epic adventure, I have now hit the big 50. There is no turning back as I haven't got many years left and these are years I can ill afford to waste.

I went along to the college like a good old granny should and completed the necessaries to enable me to commence the AAT Intermediate. I had a new photo taken - to prove that I am a student and which enables me to have lots of discounts in various shops in Burton.

I have only taken the opportunity of discounts a couple of times as I have always felt uncomfortable at letting the shopkeepers know that an old granny can be a student.

They do look at me a bit queer when I tell them I am a student and then I have to rummage around in me bag to get the damned card out to prove it. I am sure they still don't believe me even though my photo is sprawled across the top of it.

My first class was yesterday (10th September). I went marching through the college doors like an old pro and I gave out death stares and barged into as many other students as possible (that's what you do isn't it when you are at college) and I felt quite a home.

Queueing up for the class it looked better than last years prospects. No kids - maybe just a smattering. Innit and Random were there from last year, but Cool was nowhere to be seen. There was only one three witches from Eastwick too. The others must have gone off on their brooms to warmer climes.

The tutor - well what can I say about him that's kind. He's my age but still living in the era of the 70/80's. He has long blond curly permed hair tied into a pony tale with a nice little neat black ribbon done up in a bow! (God I hope he doesn't read this as I have probably shot me arrow before I have started).

There are 28 of us crammed into a tiny classroom. We are sitting at tables that are designed to accommodate one, but now seat two. There is no air in the classroom as the windows open an inch (that's to stop you committing suicide should the lesson get to much) and when these are open, there isn't anything to stop them banging shut, so its bang bang bang bang bang. Then blondie shuts them so no one can breathe.

The room stinks of orrible sweaty trainers so it's like being trapped in one big sweaty shoe. Its no good if you like your own personal space, because you aint got none in this environment.

The first lesson was all about final accounts and I waited in anticipation for blondie to start writing stuff on the blackboard in front. This year I am crammed into a seat at the front instead of being at the back like last year and having my view obscured by lovely old Vic, who wasn't with us this term.

Apparently, so I am told by blondie, that there is a new policy in place at the college that the use of black boards should be discouraged and that the electronic white boards should be used instead. That's fine - I am all for new technology etc. except this bloody white board is situated on the side walls of the room, but the desks all face forwards.

Try sitting looking at a white board with your neck twisted for 6 hours - it aint fun and its not funny.

Blondie was oblivious to this and didn't seem to see our heads bobbing from side to side every time we had to copy down stuff from the board. I was feeling a big queasy by the end of it all, it was like being on a ship and having sea-sickness.

The content of the lesson is hard going and we have stepped up a notch from last year. Half of the class have already done the 2nd year and have failed so are re-sitting. This makes it difficult for us newbies as blondie ploughs on full steam ahead forgetting that some are being left behind.

Then there is a gob on a stick - some Irish bint who keeps shouting out all the answers and not giving anyone the chance to open their mouth, even though the questions aren't aimed at her.

By the time the end of the lesson came I was in a stupor - not drunken which I would have preferred. I was brain dead and didn't know what had hit me.

I went to sit in my car for an hour before the next 3 hour stint. Gemma my daughter rang me to see how I was getting on, I was determined not to cry into my handbag as I did last year. But she must bring out the emotional side of me. I could feel my voice wobbling when I was talking to her and once again there she was telling me it will get better as each week passes.

The evening session wasn't so crowded, there are only 16 of us, so it was a bit more bearable. The lesson was hard and again, blondie took no prisoners. He's an odd bloke not sure what to make of him yet. He's very sexist and likes his jokes about women and tends to put them down.

He is crap on the computer and makes the students do his typing so it appears on the white board. Its like being back at school as we have to take it in turns to read out aloud different paragraphs of the subject material. You can tell that I am really warming to this chappie can't you.

We have plenty of homework to keep us busy over the coming week and blondie has given us a list of items we need to buy for his next lesson.

I can see me getting lines or detention as I feel quite rebellious at times.

Bring it on Blondie.

The End is Nigh

2008-06-09T20:38:00.002+01:00

At last Granny has something to sing about. Only one more week to go and its all over.

June 17th is D Day.

I can't believe how quickly the first year has gone - even though I have hated every minute of it.

One more final exam to go and then thats it until September.

Dear god please do not let me fall at the final hurdle me nerves can't take it.

I shall be able to lay off the wine on Monday evenings for a while. Year two is going to be all day Wednesday.

I will get me wine cellar topped up ready!

When Granny starts again in September she will have a brand new knee, what better way to start a new term and she will be 50.

I can hear you saying what an earth is an old bird like that going to college for - you had better ask my boss that question.

I am doing time - 3 years to be precise at his request, now the old bugger is retiring in July and won't be there to greet me at the gates when I am released. How unfair is that!

The whole college scene has been a learning curve for me. I have learnt many new words, some I can't repeat on here. I won't feel so intimidated next term and will walk through those college doors like a pro!

Well - I shall be packing me little bag up and will be putting it away until the new term starts.

What am I going to do without my Monday stints at college. Will I get withdrawal symptoms. Am I going to be able to cope with not going. Will I find something to fill the void.

You bet your bottom dollar I can.

Long time no speak!

2008-03-21T13:57:00.011Z

Granny hasn't posted for a while and what better time than now to catch up.

Its the Easter break so I haven't to go back for a couple of weeks. This should give me time to re-charge my batteries a little.

I must admit that the past few weeks have been very tough going and I have really felt my age! We have sat two exams and have the biggy to take on June 17th. I am not sure if I will survive until then.

The learning curve seems to be getting bigger and bigger and my college bag is getting heavier and heavier.

Why can't I be just like the young uns that seem to soak up the knowledge like a sponge. I am like an old wrung out face cloth that's battered and worn.

The first year is getting nearer to finishing and just leaves another 2 years to go. Will I make it I continually ask myself.

Other pressures elsewhere have had an impact and have made it really tough going. Its been hard to juggle work, band and college commitments together. Something has got to give but not sure which!

"Cool, Innit and Random" are still on the scene and still making my blood boil. The have no regard for anyone else but themselves and continually make the lessons difficult. I just hope to god they are not in next years intake because I will probably do one of them in if they are.

This college thing has been an eye-opener for me and the journey to the final finishing post seems to be a long and ardious task and I will be knocking on 52 when I come out the other end.

Hopefully it will put a few extra bob in me pocket at the end of the day and will help towards me pension when I retire in approximately 10 years time. (Civil Servants are done at 60).

Well - I am making most of the two Mondays off before I go back and have hid me college bag away until its time to return.

I must try and post more regularly, but by the time I have come back from college each Monday evening, I am either brain dead or too p####d up to write anything.

See you soon.

Gran xx

The Worm Has Turned

2008-01-28T21:42:00.000Z

Its been a funny sort of week and its only Monday!

I find it very difficult to prepare myself for college after the weekend. The feeling reminds me of when I was a little girl and absolutely dreaded the thought of having to go back to school and would have done almost anything to get out of it.

But being the brave soldier that I am, I would not succumb to, or even think about skiving! (If you believe that then you will believe anything).

This afternoons session again, involved the use of computers and entailed working our way around the SAGE finance package. I must admit I was feeling rather annoyed today as we seemed to be covering old ground due to the fact that some students couldn't be bothered to work last week.

This had a knock on effect and meant repeating stuff that we had already done. Time is precious and it really angers me that this wasted time could have been put to better use in the work place. Taking a day out from work is so time consuming and it means playing catch up the rest of the week.

Excuse me, I feel a Victor Meldrew moment coming on !!

Today has been an eye-opener for me and my college colleague. We had fired up our PCs ready to tackle SAGE and raring to go. After having a quick shufty around the classroom, we seemed to be the only ones logged into the programme.

The Three Witches of Eastwick who had turned into two, were on a different planet. One was tuned into restaurants in Birmingham and the other was into tarot card readings. One of the witches was also having a conversation on her mobile discussing the previous nights television programmes. Another reprobate was looking at the spec of i-pods.

My colleague and I just looked at each other in disbelief. She signalled to me WTF is going on here. I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head. I am desperately losing the will to live !

All of a sudden the session was cut short. Bham ! Our tutor had lost his blob! He told us to pack up and backup the work we had done. He then singled out the degenerates and told them he was really pissed off with their behaviour. Good on yer!! Should have been said long ago.

With a bit of luck they will be history next week!

After this afternoons session I was like a druggie - all hyped up with adrenalin pumping through my veins and I couldn't wait for the evening session to commence. It turned out to be one of the best. My brain seemed for once, to except everything the tutor was telling me, and yes, it really did sink in.

Is Granny actually enjoying this whole AAT business !!

Letter from Grandma

2008-01-20T09:56:00.001Z

Dear All

The other day I went up to our local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ Go!"

What an exuberant Cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and I started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Margate back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach".

I saw another guy waving in a funny way.. with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked your cousin George in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Zulu good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Zululand, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. George burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them. After all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Zulu good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonders.

Love Grandma

Nose to the Grindstone

2008-01-14T21:29:00.000Z

I can't believe how quickly each week flies by. No sooner am I thanking god that Monday is over, the next one is around before you know it.

I have had a weeks annual leave so getting myself into the right frame of mind for college has not been that easy. Getting my brain into gear has be an arduous task. No time for slacking as the next exam is just around the corner.

The day has not been too bad. This afternoons session was really
good, probably because half of the class was missing (all the naughty ones) and it went really well. Again, as last week, it was computer based so a bit of hands work kept the interest up.

We are now learning about the accounting package SAGE. It seems really odd for me to be using this because we use ORACLE in the work place. It went well though and although I hate to admit it, I really enjoyed it.

I think I am bedding into the college scene now. I can meet goths and other creatures and not bat an eyelid. I have learnt to push and barge my way through just like everyone else, if I didn't, I would get crushed, as I have previously found out to my detriment.

Tonight, again was good, we have been learning all about Purchase Ledgers. I didn't have a clue at one point what was going on when the tutor used a projector linked to her laptop. The writing on the board was minuscule and now I am left with a permanent frown between me brows. Next week I shall take my noculars and hopefully get a better view!

Well that's another week under my belt, only two and a bit years to go!

Dawning of a New Day

2008-01-07T21:27:00.000Z

Well the day has finally arrived - Exam Results Time! I must admit I have not really thought much about this day coming what with Christmas and Band Concerts.

I didn't feel particularly worried this morning either, in fact I felt quite calm whats done is done and can't be changed.

I had to get up really early as I had a physio appointment at the local hospital for 0830 so didn't have a great deal of time to think about much at all.

This afternoons session at college has probably been one of the most productive ones I have had the pleasure of attending since commencement last September. Although it was computer based it did go quite well. There were only two witches out of the three in attendance so they were rather quite, which was very unusual. The three stooges "Cool" "Random" and "Innit" were also missing, maybe that's why it was a good day.

I managed to slip home before the evening session started and have a bit of a warm as it is bloody freezing in that college.

I made my way to the classroom for tonight's lesson and everyone was asking each other how they thought they had done in the exam. The tutor arrived and I think everyone was trying to read her expression to see if it gave any information away.

The class started at 1800 and she made us wait until 1930 before the completed exam papers were returned to each of us. Now at this point I did feel a bit nervous especially as she went on to say that she was quite disappointed with the results. Oh God that's me up the Swanee then.

I was in for a very pleasant surprise, I had two small amendments to make (which were in actual fact just silly errors). Once these are marked again next week I am home and dry. It was a great feeling, but I did feel really sad for those people that have to re-sit the exam, because that could have very easily been me.

We have more exams to work towards in March, May and June so it ain't over until the fat lady sings!

Biker Granny

2007-12-25T19:00:00.000Z

Look what Santa brought Granny!

Hop Skip and Jump

2007-12-17T20:21:00.000Z

Today Granny has accomplished three things.

1. She's had her first bath since July (dirty bitch I hear you say). Those that have read my blog previously will understand why.

2. She's got rid of that blasted stick! That's a picture of me doing my daily exercise routine. Just look at them stockings what killers!

3. She's completed her exam - Hip Hip Hooray.

Poor old granny can now relax and look forward to the festive season where she can hang up her old wrinkly stockings for Santa.

The first round of exams are now well and truly over and there is no going back. The results will not be known until 7th January 2008.

I am now going to sit back and try to enjoy the festive season and not worry too much what the outcome will be.

Recipe for Christmas All Year Long

Take a heap of child-like wonder that opens up our eyes

To the unexpected gifts in life — Each day a sweet surprise.

Mix in fond appreciation for the people whom we know;

Like festive Christmas candles, each one has a special glow.

Add some giggles and some laughter, A dash of Christmas food,

(Amazing how a piece of pie improves our attitude!)

Stir it all with human kindness; Wrap it up in love and peace,

Decorate with optimism, and our joy will never cease.

If we use this healthy recipe, we know we will remember

to be in the Christmas spirit, even when it's not December.

Merry Christmas.

It's Here!

2007-12-10T21:01:00.000Z

Well the dreaded day has finally arrived. Exam time.

I have not been looking forward to this at all. My fingers are bitten down to the bone and I can see the beginning of bags under my eyes (discounting the ones I had already).

My head has been mush this last week worrying over whats going to happen. I have had this vision that I am going to be the only one in the class that doesn't get through. It's been giving me nightmares.

On the work front it has been manic, but still there in the dark recess of my brain, this nagging worry has been lurking.

I went to college this afternoon as per usual but didn't intend staying for very long as the tutor had booked the IT Suite. Past experience has taught me to avoid this at all cost. I didn't fancy spending the afternoon with "Cool" "Random" and "Innit". Come to think of it I haven't seen "Innit" for some time.

I made my excuses and was home for around 14:00 hours. This extra time enabled me to do some cramming before tonight.

Arriving at the college in good time this evening, I decided a visit to the vending machine would be in order. I needed a little something to get me through the evening. Normally this would consist of a bottle of red or two, but I don't think this would have gone down well with the tutor.

The next best thing - CHOCOLATE! I thought this would give me some comfort should I start to lose the will to live at some point during the evening. I then bought a bag of sweets containing loads of E numbers, these might give me an adrenalin rush or make me hyper.

My thought process here was two fold. Being hyped up to the eyeballs might give me an edge and make me sail through the exam without a care in the world. Or, on the other hand, I could just say bollocks to it all and p*** off home. (I think the E numbers are kicking in now as I type this blog as my language is deteriorating rapidly).

Its hard to say how the exam went. We still have the 2nd part to complete next week. There were a couple of purple patches where my mind went totally blank and I managed to get my debits and credits in the wrong order. But my trusty choccy bar came to the rescue and put me back on track.

I can't believe I have another week to get through before we finish the final part. Its just not good for someone my age!

Is it really worth it I ask myself?

I don't like Mondays!

2007-12-03T21:37:00.000Z

Before I get down to the nitty gritty, I must apologise for not keeping up with my blog last week. I had nothing to write about as I didn't attend college. No, I wasn't being naughty (which I do like being at times).

I had to attend a conference at the Prison Service College based in Rugby and didn't know until the last minute. This caused me quite a headache as I was supposed to be completing a mock exam paper in readiness for the real thing 10/17 December.

It was really important that I attended the said conference as the subject matter will have an impact on my future career in the Service. It was a choice between the devil and the deep blue sea. I think I would have rather been at Burton College than listen solidly for someone lecturing for 6 hours.

I managed to arrange with the tutor to send me the paper so that I could complete this at home. Which she most kindly did.

Today was one filled with trepidation. I have been quite stressed this last week knowing that the paper has to be marked and I must admit my heads been mashed.

The afternoons session was fairly low key as always. It wasn't too bad, quite a lot of the class was missing so there wasn't so many interruptions. We actually finished at 14:45 and I was home for 15:00 hours.

I was quite glad really that I could come home because I needed to chill a little before tonight. I decided to "have a blow". Its nothing kinky, but what is termed in brass band speak, as playing your instrument. I think I have mentioned previously that I play in a brass band.

I do find that "having a blow" is quite therapeutic and relaxing. I have not been able to practice as much as I would have liked because I have neighbours who live either side. I have just had a lovely conservatory built and its like having my own music room. I can now play until my hearts content.

Feeling quite chilled I made my way back to college and once the session started, I submitted my work to the tutor for marking.

I told her that I had struggled and towards the end of the paper I had lost the will to live. I felt really chuffed when she said well done and that most of it was correct. This has given me the boost that I needed ready for the real thing next week.

The tutor has given us a couple more mock papers to have a go at before next week (with answers supplied) this will help highlight problem areas.

I am feeling quite positive tonight and as I am writing my blog I am sampling a bottle of the good old red stuff.

Cheers!

A Quiet Day

2007-11-19T21:13:00.000Z

I wasn't quite feeling up to scratch today so I gave this afternoons session a miss.

The unit we are working on is one that I have already done some years ago, when I completed my NVQ Level 3 in Business Administration. I still have all my completed assignments and I am able to put them to good use in my AAT studies. The tutor is quite happy for me to do this.

It looks as though I have missed one of the best afternoons since the course started. Apparently the tutor had livened up things a little. Teams were formed and the tutor got everyone making buildings out of newspaper and they had to be sturdy enough to balance a text book on top. Damn, I have always wanted to do that!

As I was at home for most of the day I put the time to good use and sorted out my portfolio. I also did some revision as we have an exam coming up shortly. I had quite a productive afternoon - and no I wasn't skiving this time.

Tonight's session went quite well. We tidied up a few loose ends in preparation for the exam in December.

Tonight we worked on the following :-

Completion of the Petty Cash Book
Completion of Postings from the Petty Cash Book
Contract Law

Sorry that my blog isn't very inspiring tonight but I am feeling a bit under the weather and I am going to have an early night.

See you next week.

Brass Monkey Weather

2007-11-12T21:27:00.000Z

I didn't want to get up this morning as I was nice and snug in my bed, especially now as I have my central heating sorted.

This time last week I was without heating after recently having a new boiler fitted. The heating went kaput and all because I had a "kinky pipe"!

Anyway back to today. I have come to the conclusion that college is not for me. I think I am too old for all this learning malarkey. I am too set in my ways now and everyone and everything seem to irritate me.

Getting into college is such a hassle. Parking places are in short supply and its on a first come first served basis. This can cost me from £3.20 to £4.50 per day depending which car park I manage to get into. I usually leave around 11:30 hours to ensure that I get a parking spot. Then I have to wait until 13:30 before the lesson starts.

The afternoon sessions are not getting any better. In fact I think they are deteriorating rapidly. A good 90% of the class are teenagers, and they haven't got the slightest intention of sitting in a classroom and being expected to work for 3 hours.

I can't believe that the tutor still hasn't learnt yet after all these weeks, that if you send the class out for a break, half of the students will not return (and he doesn't seem to notice).

I am still trying to fathom out what today's lesson was all about and what connection it has to do with accountancy - maybe I am missing something here. I will let you decide for yourselves.

Here goes - We had a group exercise where we were all dealt 2 cards each. Each card had something written on it. We were not allowed to show anyone our cards but we were allowed to say what was written on them !!! Hmm!

Next we had to take it in turns to read our cards out (remember we are not allowed to show what is written on them) and a volunteer had to write what we had said on the white-board. Are you still with me?

Now - you might think at this stage it may have something to do with figures or something connected to accountancy, but in actual fact you would be wrong.

The cards portrayed some story or other about a poor chap called Jamil who had broken into a flat, got shot in the leg and stabbed in the back. His body was then dragged into the park and left there for someone to find. He had been murdered.

It turned out it was a bit of a murder mystery - but I am still struggling to make the connection - IS IT ME!

After all the excitement of this afternoon I couldn't bare the thought of staying in the town so I went home to chill.

Evening Session

After getting over this afternoons murder, I was ready to tax the brain a little. You can always guarantee that you are going to work hard in this lesson. The tutor has just been awarded employee of the year at the college and she truly deserves it. Her teaching methods are second to none and I think most people would feel that they have achieved something from her class.

Tonight we worked on the following:
Revision of cheques/credit cards. Revision of cash receipts book. Questions.

We are now preparing for our exam which will take place on December 10th and 17th.

Remember Remember the 5th of November

2007-11-05T22:15:00.001Z

I shall remember the 5th of November as it has been a really good day for me on the college front.

The assignment I handed in last week has been signed off as complete which is really good news. It needs to be completed by June, but by finishing it early it will give me more time to concentrate on the double entry book-keeping side of things.

The afternoon class wasn't too bad today. We had a one to one with the tutor and because all my work was complete, he let me leave at 1500 hours. I felt quite privileged to be leaving early. I decided to give my visit to Marks and Sparks a miss and headed off home. I didn't fancy hanging around until 1730 hours in the town.

On my way home I nearly squashed a lollipop lady. Why is it that they think they are immune to traffic. She was almost level with my car when she decided to jump out and wave her stick under my nose.

I have nothing against lollipop people because my mother was one way back in the 1960's. She wouldn't have dreamt of jumping out at the last minute. She valued her life far more than today's breed. They tend to be of more senior years now, so maybe its a form of euthanasia!

It was quite nice being able to be at home for a while before the evening session started. It was a bit of a nightmare though trying to get back into the middle of town during the tea-time rush hour, but worth it.

I managed to have a bit of a chat with Vic (the bald headed chap) he is a really nice bloke and didn't object to me asking him if he would mind moving his chair slightly so that I could see the blackboard. He is rather large and when he is directly in front of me I only get to see the back of his head.

The subject matter tonight was quite easy once I had got to grips with it (all I can say is it's a good job I work in pencil). I am still not very quick at carrying out the tasks but find it is better to take my time, even if those around me have finished some way ahead.

Tonight we worked on the following:- Cheques, Cash Book - 2 Column, Cash Book - 3 Column and Analysed Receipts Cash Book.

The girls done good!

Tired Granny

2007-10-29T21:36:00.000Z

Knackerated that's me today!

Last week was my first full working week since the end of July. Over the last month I have been back on a phased return since having my knee operation at the beginning of August.

The weekend has been hectic as the band I play with http://www.newhallband.org.uk/ had a concert Saturday night, followed by rehearsals Sunday in readiness for Pontins contest next Saturday. What with the clocks going back too, I definitely felt my age today returning back to college after half-term.

Afternoon Session

Nothings changed much for this session, still just as boring and not very awe inspiring. We started on a new unit - Personal Effectiveness. This will captivate the audience just as much as the Health and Safety unit - not!!

Is it me - Has classroom etiquette (big word - not bad for a tired old bird) been re-written. In my day it was all about respect, following dress codes, having the right tools for the trade (i.e books, pencil case etc) and being punctual. The new updated rules are as follows:-

Be as late as possible and never ever apologise.

Books are not meant to be read, but are for shredding and flicking across the classroom.

Pens are for cleaning out your ears or in some cases, for picking your nose.

Dress code - Always be attached to your i-pod and listen to R&B throughout the lesson.

In my day the only form of portable music appliances were transistor radios and they were bloody massive things, could you imagine sitting with one of those on your desk!

Evening Session

As I have said before I quite like this session as you really have to think on your feet and we work solidly for the whole of the three hours. The tutor is great (bound to be because she's a woman) she really knows her stuff and knows how to keep a captive audience.

I must admit though I was feeling a little irritable tonight, the chap who's head I would like to doodle on was chewing gum and he has one of those goatee beards (a big bristly white one). All the time he was chewing it jumped out from side to side and it kept putting me off. All I could see was big white whiskers in my eye-line.

He's a nice bloke though and I think I am grumbly because I'm tired so I am going to finish here and go to bed.

Tonight we worked on the following:-

Bad debts - Journal entries - Aged analysis of debtors - Cash receipts - Security Paying in.

Night Night

Granny's a Skiver

2007-10-15T14:29:00.001+01:00

Yes that's me today - skiving. Not done that for years. The last time I skived was at my senior school. It was a PE lesson which I hated, so I hid in the toilets and was caught by the Deputy Headmistress.

She was a real dragon in her long black cloak and pointy stilettos. I can still hear her click click clacking of her heels on the main hall floor. No-one disrespected her, I suppose you could say she was an icon of her era.

I didn't know it at the time but the lady in question was to be my late son-in-laws auntie, he hadn't even been born then. My daughter married her nephew a couple of years ago and they had two beautiful twin daughters just before he passed away. I can't believe this scary woman is knitting lovely little cardies for my grandbabies.

Anyway to get back to my skiving. I'm not really skiving as such. Today should have been a workshop day very similar to last weeks. If you have read my previous blog you will see that it entailed spending sometime in the IT suite typing up our assignments.

To me it just seemed a waste of good time sitting amongst unruly folk and not getting a lot done. I felt I would achieve much more working from home as most of the information I need is on my PC.

Evening Session

It's much easier to park at night than in the daytime and I managed to find a parking spot straight away.

I made my way to the classroom and met up with my fellow classmates. I asked how they had got on whilst I was skiving.

Apparently they never made it to the IT Suite as the tutor had forgotten to book it, so out came those dreaded laptops, the ones that didn't work first time round and still didn't work. All in all from what I can gather, most of the class disappeared one by one.

We got settled into our classroom and waited for the lesson to commence. Flippin nora who should join our class but flamin "Innit". He's not normally in our class at night, it's only for us adults.

He wore a black hoodie and kept the hood up all evening (probably to disguise his headset which is always attached to his mobile).

It was quite fun tonight which is unusual because you are not supposed to be enjoying yourself. We had a little quiz and we were divided into two teams. We all had to take it in turn to pull a question out of a bag and answer it.

My question was "Which of the day book totals includes Vat"? The Gross total of course!

Our new books have arrived and they weighed a tonne (whats that in metric)? I shall need a trolley to pull them around in as I am still hobbling with a crutch tucked under my right arm. Carrying the books in my left nearly topple me over as they are so heavy.

I got on quite well this evening and managed to finish some of my work well before any of the others and it was right for a change. It's a great feeling but it won't last.

This evening we worked on the following:-

Complete Sales Ledger Accounts

List Methods of Communication with Debtors

Complete a Business Letter

Complete a Statement of Account

Yippeeeee its half term next week.

Tattie bye for now.

Autumn has arrived.

2007-10-08T21:40:00.000+01:00

The weather today has been absolutely beautiful, far too nice to be sitting in a classroom.

The trees around the college are beginning to shed their leaves and the complex is framed by lots of lovely different colours as the leaves turn and then fall.

This is my fourth week now and I suppose you could say that I am starting to settle in.

Before my lessons commenced I did a little shopping in the town. I bought some lovely little buttons for a cardigan that I am making for one of my granddaughters.

I decided to have my boots re-heeled and soled while I had got the opportunity, as yesterday I found out that they were leaky whilst scrabbling about in a grave-yard looking for a family grave which I had not visited for some time due to moving away from the area 42 years ago.

Back to college and the lesson commenced at 1330 hours. Us older ones tend to arrive early. I suppose its been instilled into us over the years that it is not polite to arrive late.

Today I became aware of a very strange lad in our class. He arrived at 1400 hours, just walked in with no apology. He found a seat after a lot of shuffling around. He then proceeded to pull his headphones out of his pocket, shoved them in his ears and started listening to his i-pod. Whats so strange about that you might ask. Well not a lot really in this day and age.

The strangeness comes from the fixated stare that he gives you. He just focuses on you for the whole of the time that he is in class. He has no expression - no nothing. His eyes peer right through you and its quite spooky. I can just imagine him going berserk at some point and murdering us all. Note to self - Don't watch so much rubbish on the telly. Another note to self - Be nice to him and he might spare you when he goes mad!

The afternoon session was to end with a workshop. This really meant that it was just some time allocated for students to make a start on their assignments and would mean a trip to the IT Suite.

For some reason I was feeling quite rebellious (not bad for a 49 year old). I wasn't really happy about spending time in the IT Suite with all these kids. They can't behave in the classroom, god knows what they would be like amongst all the computers.

I told the tutor that I wasn't going join him for his little field trip and would work on the assignment at home. The tutor never really said a lot. Probably because I'm older than him!

All the kids trotted off whilst the rebellious granny made a quick exit out of the college. I half expected to have my collar felt and be hauled back in again.

I quite like being a naughty girl at 49.

The "unexpected" early finish allowed me to wander around the town (again) and enabled me to purchase a birthday present for my son, who will be 18 on Thursday 11th October.

I made my usual trip to M&S for my cup of tea and scone and then made my way back to the car for a while. I sat watching a squirrel messing about with his nuts!

Tonight's lesson was again hard. I am finding it a struggle to keep up with everyone as they are so quick at completing the question papers. I like to take mine home and work on them at my own pace, which enables me to fathom out the answers and make them stick in my brain ready for when we take the exam in December.

This evening we worked on the following:-

Credit Notes
Division of the Ledger
Completion of Sales Day Book
Completion of Sales Return Book
Posting from Day Books.

Hurray its going to be half term soon.

Fun At The Fair (or not)

2007-10-01T21:49:00.000+01:00

Once a year the Statutes Fair comes to Burton on Trent and the town is cordoned off. Because of this, my daughter, (the one who I cried down the phone to on my first day) offered to take me to college and to pick me up later.

My gorgeous little granddaughters waved goodbye to Granny at the college gates (well only one did as the other was fast asleep in her baby seat, bless her little cotton socks).

The class started to fill up with the usual kiddies. The three witches flew in on their broomsticks, you could hear them cackling before they even arrived in the classroom.

Before the lesson started, our tutor said he had something to tell us. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, another of our colleagues had died during the week from an epileptic fit. The week before a chap had died from a heart attack. It sent shivers up my spine and I felt really sad and again as last week, it made me realise how life can be so precious and fragile.

The afternoon session commenced. The tutor and several students disappeared only to re-appear sometime later with their arms full of lap tops. Around twelve in all. A bit of "hands on work" ahead.

Don't be daft - only three of the lap tops worked and by the time we had managed to fire these up, half the class had disappeared.

The 3 witches were the first to arrive back, each armed with a bag of salt and vinegar crisps and a bag of skittles. They proceeded to chomp their way through the rest of the lesson.

"Cool" turned up with a bag of candy floss and passed it to "Solid" and friends under the table. "Innit" had a head-set on for his mobile and chatted away to his mate.

Not a great deal of work was done during this session.

I have got myself into a little routine now whilst I am waiting for the evening session to start. I usually head for Marks and Sparks and sit in the coffee shop and have a cup of tea and a scone.

Today was no different, accept I had to weave my way in and out of the fairground rides and dodge the bags and buckets of candy floss hanging from the stalls.

I was sitting at the table in the coffee shop enjoying a cup of tea, when a lady came past balancing a teapot, cup and saucer and a jug of milk all in one hand. She bumped into a chair and the milk spilt from the jug into my open rucksack. She looked horrified and couldn't apologise enough and I thought she was going to cry. I really felt sorry for her.

Tonight's session was particular hard for me. It involved lots of things to do with VAT. We had two papers to complete, but I am afraid I could only manage two questions on the first paper, and I got both of those wrong!

I have managed to suss out where I was going wrong, and so now have plenty of homework this week to keep me busy.

LIFE

Life is but a stopping place

A pause in what’s to be

A resting place along the road

To sweet eternity.

We all have different journeys,

Different paths along the way,

We all were meant

to learn some things,

But never meant to stay...

Our destination is a place

Far greater than we know.

For some, the journey’s quicker,

For some the journey’s slow.

And when the journey finally ends,

We’ll claim a great reward

And find an everlasting peace,

Together with the lord.

Author Unknown

For Liam and Carl

Bluetongue and Tornado's

2007-09-24T21:43:00.000+01:00

That's the news I woke up to this morning.

Stuck my tongue out and looked in the mirror, a little red maybe, but definitely not blue. Looked out the window - no tornado's damn it, college awaits

Trying to park is a nightmare as all the young students have cars these days. This makes it really difficult for us old bods, as we have to set off early just to bag a parking space.

The afternoon session started off with some really sad news. One of our colleagues had passed away over the weekend. This chap had given up work to concentrate on becoming an accountant. It makes you realise just how fragile life can be. I found it very difficult to concentrate for a while.

The tutor had not got off to a good start today. Someone had run into the side of his car so he was not in the right frame of mind to take a class.

The class is mainly made up of students who have just left school. The way they behave you would think that they are still at school. The tutor has no control over them and they do just whatever they please. It is really difficult to concentrate, after all, the last time that I was in a class room was in the 70's.

There are three girls in the class all with the same christian name. They do nothing but chat amongst themselves and cackle all afternoon long. The Three Witches of Eastwick springs to mind!

The whole lesson this afternoon seemed to drift a little and I found it quite boring. I was quite pleased when the tutor called it a day at 1530 as he was "in shock" from his accident.

I had 2 1/2 hours to kill before the evening session started. I thought a little retail therapy might do me some good. After all, I was still recovering from my knee op.

I bumped into someone who I had not seen since around 1973. The lady in question was the mother of one of my friends from when I lived in Yoxall. This lady had a really lovely house and there was one particular item that I had a fascination for.

A wall mounted can-opener!

They were very rare in those days and I always hankered after a go on it, but this never materialised. At home we only had the hand held type and I really felt deprived. We talked about this today and had a really good laugh about it. There is nothing like nostalgia to make you feel better.

I was now raring to go and ready to get stuck in into the evening session. This particular gathering is one of hard work. We work solidly from 1800 to 2100 and it requires a great deal of concentration.

We worked on Trial Balances, Profit and Loss, T Accounts and have plenty of homework to show for this.

I feel as though I have achieved quite a lot from the evening sessions and feel stretched (which is not a bad thing when you are old, it keeps the brain cells active) and I quite enjoy the challenge.

Talking of achievements, I have learnt three new words of which I have yet to put into practice.

Cool! Solid! Innit!

Enrolment Day

2007-09-17T21:39:00.000+01:00

Didn't have time to enrol last week what with all the goings on so it was left up to me to do it today.

I got up extra early so that I could leave in good time and join the queues waiting to join up!

I stepped or rather hobbled into the shower. This is quite a spectacular manoeuvre as I can't bend my left knee due to surgery. I have to get in with my right leg then swing my left leg backwards up and over the bath holding onto anything that doesn't move.

Once I was in, I switched on the shower and proceeded with my daily ablutions. Next thing I know the shower head and cable break free from the wall and start to thrash about like a wild anaconda. This took me by surprise as I was shampooing my hair at the time. Soap in my eyes I wrestled this wild specimen while at the same time trying to keep my balance. Not a pretty sight I can tell you!

I made my way to the college, which I must say in all fairness is rather an impressive place, especially the new university which is being built alongside the main campus. I headed for reception, and you've guessed it, same woman as last week, couldn't organise a you know what in a brewery.

She directed me to the enrolment suite, but I didn't really trust her from my experience last week, so I paraphrased everything she had told me, just to make sure she understood exactly where I wanted to head for. Sorted!

Got there in one - fantastic - directions spot on bless her.

Enrolment was taking place in the new university building which is in-part ,still under construction. I headed for the lift dodging construction workers and the like with my little crutch tucked under my arm.

The lift (I'm quite partial to lifts) was located in an area where the building work wasn't finished. Barriers were placed around the doors so that you could enter and exit safely while the work commenced. The whole of the lift was encased in a plastic bag type covering. I was absolutely amazed the flippin thing worked and just prayed that I got to the 2nd floor safely.

Eeh enrolment was so painless, I wish I had done it sooner. A really nice lad took my enrolment form, processed it, then asked me to smile into his web cam (I was putty in his hands)

Its official - I am now a bona fide student. Got the card to prove it

Granny's first day at college

2007-09-10T21:53:00.000+01:00

What have I done.

Today should have been a normal Monday doing normal Monday things. But like the fool that I am, decided (or was decided for me by my boss) that I should enrol at the local college for an AAT Foundation Course. Great I said, cant be all that bad lead me to it.

OMG was I in for a shock.

I got up early this morning to get ready, and was actually feeling quite nervous, the feeling was just like my first day at senior school. My son made me feel better because he said that he thought that I had lost weight, (I think he just felt sorry for me really) that made me feel a bit more confident and raring to go.

I arrived at the college in good time and made my way to the reception area. I duly asked which room the course would be taking place in. I was told the 3rd floor room 304. Oh I said, do you have a lift as I cant manage the stairs (on crutches due to knee op). I was pointed in the direction of the lift and made my way there.

After what seemed miles (actually only a few hundred yards) I pressed the call button for the lift and waited and waited and waited and waited. The lift wasn't working. I hobbled my way back to reception and was told that there is another lift but that would only take you to floor 2, from there you will have to take the stairs. Another oh sounded from me but before I could say anything else, the receptionist said that there was another lift quite some distance away and that would take me to the 3rd floor. Off I toddled.

It was a nice lift as lifts go, I did have to share it with two chaps, one pushing a trolley full of IT equipment, but we all managed to fit in - crutches and all.

I made my way along the corridor to room 304 but when I got there, there was a sign on the door saying language course and the room was full of students. Someone had made a boo-boo. I ambled my way back to the lift that was so charming and headed for reception.

The receptionist looked at me if I was a bit doolally when I told her that room 304 couldn't possibly be the right room as students were already having lessons in there. Well she said, I will have to phone round and find out which room it is. Its room 205 she chirped. Well at least there was some consolation - I could take the lift that only went up two floors!

I got to room 205 and waited outside until the tutor arrived. In the meantime the corridor was filling up with students - all looked if they had just come out of nappies. I said a quick prayer - please god don't let them be in my class. Suddenly as if by magic, they dispersed into the opposite classroom - thank you thank you I whispered under my breath.

It was short lived.

Room 205, once opened by the tutor, filled up with babies, the tutor was slightly more mature and possibly gave me a feeling of comfort. The course was underway no turning back now.

Right said the tutor, we are going to make our way to the IT Suite and you are all going to take a literacy and numeracy skills assessment. #### said I.

The literacy test was okay I was comfortable with that. The numeracy test I wasn't so sure, after all I had left school in 1975 and things had moved on since then. The numeracy test commenced. First question - simple addition - great I can handle that. Second question - simple subtraction - okay. I was being lulled into a false sense of security here. Third and subsequent questions - WALLOP right between the eyes.

When I left school everything was in old money, now I was being asked questions in centimetres, millimetres, metres and litres. Ask me anything in feet and inches, pints, quarts etc and I'm your man! I was drowning at a rapid speed.

Assessment over we all trudged back to the classroom and sat through a presentation on why AAT is good for us and what benefits achieving this qualification would do for us all. By this time I had lost the will to live.

After the assessment I thought it was time that I powdered my nose, I made my way to the ladies and awaited my turn. After completing my ablutions, I opened the door only to be confronted by a Goth in full gear. Black from head to toe, studs in her eyebrows and studs in her lips. Hiyah I said as I made my way out. OMG what the hell am I doing here - I just do not belong!!

Recess - 2 hour wait until the next session commenced.

I wandered round the town centre on my little crutches trying to pass the time away until our next session. I WAS DEPRESSED.

Just outside the college is a memorial ground with lots of benches around the cenotaph. I made my way to a bench, sat down and fished my mobile phone out of my bag. There were quite a number of people around - all in couples or friends - I felt so alone and out of my depth. I rang my daughter. Hi mum said she. Lips quivering and voice shaking I managed to say oh Gem I'm not cut out for this, I think I'm going to cry.

There I was in the middle of the town tears rolling down my cheeks and my daughter trying to placate me by telling me that this was just my first day and things will get better.

2nd Session

This session was not quite so bad as the first as there were quite a number of new faces that had turned up, there was someone who was probably my age, this made me feel a bit better.

This particular person sat in front of me and he had a lovely bald head. I had this great urge to draw a face on the back of his head with my pen. I really had to control myself not instigate this feeling.

I felt more in control of this session and really thought that I was going to survive. But no - fate had other ideas.

The person sitting next to me was one of those whizz kid types. We were all given test papers to see if we had understood what we had just been taught. She whizzed through those papers just like Billy Whiz. I tell you what - I shall make sure I am not sitting next to her next week. Don't you just feel so inadequate.

The evening drew to a close, I packed my little rucksack and headed home feeling lonely, depressed, thick and totally TRAUMATISED by the whole event.

Can't wait for next week!